Last week, late term abortion doctor, George Tiller, was shot to death while at church in Wichita, Kansas. I did not know much about Dr. Tiller. I knew that he offered women late term abortions. And I knew his death would probably bring the abortion debate front and center once again. This always infuriates me.
I have realized that I can not sway people who feel vehemently opposed to a woman's right to choose. Nor do I care to argue with them (who seem to be mostly men and shouldn't even be allowed a vote on the subject) because there is no reasoning when it comes to abortion. I do know that my life, and the life of my husband would be completely different if it was not for the right to have an abortion, and a late term abortion at that.
My story starts with that first pregnancy test that came up positive back in May of 2004. We had gotten married the summer before and were pretty surprised how quickly we got pregnant. We told our parents and our friends and like so many young married couples, we were both nervous and excited about our new baby.
Time went on. I started to show. And then in September we went in for our 18 week ultrasound.
How exciting. Dave took the morning off work. We went into that ultrasound room with great anticipation. I laid back and got ready to see my first child.
The pictures looked great. The baby was moving. There were hands and feet and a head. And then silence. The technician didn't say much. We figured she wasn't allowed to because if she was she would have certainly told us how beautiful and perfect our baby looked right?.
She did print off pictures for us to keep ( a good sign) and then told us to wait because the doctor wanted to take look as well.
That seemed normal enough. Remember, this was the first time we had done this. While we waited, and waited ( it took a long time for the doctor to arrive) I remember staring at those pictures that were printed out and saying to Dave, " Look! Look! This is our baby. This is our future. This is who we are going to have to save money for college for."
Then the doctor arrived.
He didn't talk. I remember that so well. He didn't speak to us. He came in, put the gel on my belly and stuck that wand into my abdomen with great force. He concentrated on the back of the head. And as he dug that wand down deeper to get a better look, I started to cry.
As it turned out the back of our baby's skull had not fully closed, leaving a gap and allowing brain tissue to protrude. Technically it's called an encephalocele. And at this point in the process I knew it wasn't good but I had no idea how bad.
We were told that my OB would want to see us so to go upstairs to her office and wait. Here I was, in the waiting room where I had been dozens of times before on much happier occasions, amongst all these moms-to-be, crying my eyes out as quietly as I could. I remember thinking that I didn't want to freak anyone out and I also didn't really know what this diagnosis meant for us. I sort of thought it meant that our baby would have to have surgery after birth but that she would be OK. That fantasy lasted until I saw my doctor's face and heard her say "Oh, I am so sorry."
She told us, that after looking at the films, that our particular baby didn't have much of a chance. If she survived the birth she would need multiple surgeries and would be severely brain damaged.
She recommended an immediate termination.
We got a second opinion from a specialist who works with children who are born with encephaloceles. I think we always knew what we were going to do but we wanted one more person to tell us that we were making the right decision.
A couple of days later, after feeling that baby move inside of me, I went into the hospital where I was supposed to give birth to her and I terminated my pregnancy.
I still have visions of what it must have been like for her. I am hoping that she was never aware of it. I'm hoping that the drugs they put into my system completely knocked her out as well. This is the scenario my doctor told me and it is the one I chose to believe.
Three days later my milk came in.
I never once regretted my decision to terminate that pregnancy. I do believe that our baby was not ready for this world. In fact, when I did give birth to my daughter Scout not even a year later, my husband's grandmother wrote Scout a card that simply said " Welcome Back"
The point in sharing this painful story with you is that I feel lucky that during such an excruciating time in my life, I didn't have the added stress of needing to travel to another state or sneak around to an illegal clinic to have this procedure done. I was not treated like a monster and I have only my own self and my lost baby to own up to. And at the end of the day, we are the only two people who should weigh in on this subject.
Dr. George Tiller did for women what my doctor did for me. He gave women a chance at another life. A chance at another dream. For me that dream was to become a mother. A mother for the second time, and for the rest of my life. I thank him.
Hi there
ReplyDeleteI just found my way to your blog via Mrs French, after admiring your lovely maternity wear! I scrolled down and found this story and noticed that no one had commented yet. I just wanted to say how brave I think you are for sharing that particular life experience, and to thank you for sharing.
As someone who's currently trying for a first child, it struck a chord.
I'll keep dropping in from time to time, especially when I finally have an excuse to purchase some of those lovely tops!
Hi! I also just came upon your blog via Mrs French, and I feel the same as Josephine above. I thank you for sharing your story and also for giving credit to Dr. Tiller. When I heard that he was killed, I was so sad. That was a real step back for women.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your beautiful story!
I second the notion that telling your story- and indeed going through that experience- was incredibly brave. Thank you for so perfectly encapsulating the first thing I thought when I heard of Dr. Tiller's terrible death: women who have late term abortions do so only out of excruciating necessity, and thank god there are people who can help them through this painful and difficult decision. Though I am admittedly a passionate supporter of a woman's right to choose, I simply cannot understand how anyone could think that a woman would have a late term abortion for any reason other than absolute and unavoidable necessity.
ReplyDeleteI too am trying to have my first child. I have already had two miscarriages and am now pregnant for the third time in a year with what I hope will be the child that I save for college for. I know that just as you said, those first two just were "not ready for this world". I hope that this one is "ready", but I also hope that if he or she is not and I am faced with the terrible decision you had to make that there will be brave people like Dr. Tiller to help me through it.